“Why do I come here [spirituality/meditation/self-inquiry]…”
“Who or what is this I…”
“What is the I looking for…”
All valid, open and curious questions when starting to inquire into the nature of what we refer to as “mind”, or, “my mind”. This type of questioning—under the guise of “self-inquiry”—I have taken to the mat, repeatedly. Countless hours sat in silent contemplation around the nature of the mind; the voice; the incessant monologue in the head narrating all experiences; thought forms—good, bad and ugly! And what sits behind all of those, the drive to understand my self construct, to meet deeper aspects of myself, and, where this impulse comes from. And this is not something I herald as an achievement. Far from it. But it seems to serve as a great starting point.
Those diligent deep dives into the nature of existence; who and what I refer to when I say “I”—in relation to non-duality—have come to literally
nothing
and continue to reveal nothing
nothing new
nothing different
In fact, sitting in silent contemplation of this I, only gave the mind more content and another concept to run with, something to try and make sense of, something to figure out, another thing to understand. All the while still suffering—feeling confused, depleted and deeply unfulfilled.
Something inside was still searching, only this time it was dissociating from what was surfacing under the guise of spiritual self-inquiry.
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